Healing Our Own Toxicity
I often talk about toxicity in our lives in the context of people, environments, etc. But what if the toxicity is coming from you? What if you are the toxic source in your own life? Before I started really doing my work, I was a horribly toxic person, both in my own life and in the lives of women that considered me a friend. It ended up costing me old friendships, integrity, karma, and regret I still wrestle with to this day.
When we are raised in a dysfunctional household, oftentimes we adopt dysfunctional mechanisms, as if by osmosis, through modeling. We end up treating ourselves and others in the same manner as we were treated; if we were emotionally abandoned, we find ways to abandon ourselves and others; if we were betrayed, we repeat these cycles because it feels normal, it is what we know. We end up repeating these patterns in our adult lives, hurting ourselves and others in the process.
The thing is, as adults, self-masters, none of this really matters because we are ALWAYS responsible for our own actions, regardless of where they stem from. Our wounds may not be our fault, but they are our responsibility to heal. In my early to mid 20’s, I identified a pattern in my life that involved betraying close female friends in exchange for male attention. It is one of the biggest sources of shame for me to this day, but it is a part of my story. I would watch this pattern unfold over and over, ever curious as to why, rationalizing it away and somehow justifying my behavior. I used to think it stemmed from competition of some sort, but now I know that was just easier than seeing the truth; that I was so cripplingly insecure, had such a low self-worth, was so powerless to soothing my pain with love addiction and at the behest of faulty dysfunctional programming that nothing mattered in my pursuit for validation, not even close friendships.
It took a catalyst of losing one of my oldest friends for me to understand how truly messed up I was, and even though I stopped engaging in the behavior that led me to that point, the same mechanisms in my mind were still active, still creating a poisonous toxicity I wouldn’t heal until I’d get off of medication and start my shadow work, delving into my pain, understanding my darkness, loving and healing it. Truly knowing yourself is the only way to self mastery, to living as your authentic self, to healing old wounds and correcting faulty patterning, to honoring yourself and your sisters and brothers.
Today, living as my true self, secure, and deeply emotionally connected, I look back at this period in my life in horror and despair, mourning for friendships lost, women hurt, and the pained girl I used to be, repenting for the pain I caused others. I can’t stress enough the importance of doing the work. The sooner we heal, the sooner we are able to create positive patterns of love, joy, and true connection with one another. Do your work, break your patterns, free yourself. It is the most important thing you can ever do.
This was originally featured in a March 31, 2019 post on Instagram at @themorganmay