You Teach People How To Treat You.

We are constantly faced with conflict in our relationships. Sometimes the conflicts are larger sometimes they are smaller and seemingly insignificant. How we handle conflict gives our partners, friends, family, insight into the standards we hold for ourselves, the treatment we expect. What we do and do not tolerate, where the bar lies. We can either adopt people-pleasing behavior, not rock the boat or initiate confrontation, which might be seemingly more convenient at the time. However, this isn’t exactly smart for the long game.

You teach people how to treat you. This means when conflict arises, we respond authentically and in-line with who we are and what we demand of ourselves and of the people in our lives. It means we remain honest in our relationships and if we don’t like something, we vocalize it and we confront it like the men and women we are. It means we speak up when something feels off, when someone says something to us that we don’t appreciate or treats us in a manner that we don’t accept, that does not sit well with us. It means we take care of ourselves first. .

I’ve fallen into codependent patterns time and time again. What I learned in this is the more I sacrificed my own needs for the comfort of other people, the less comfortable I became in myself and then the less rich the relationship was. The more we compromise ourselves, the more we compromise our relationships. We need our relationships to connect. We are human- we need connection. The less authentic our connections are, the more alone we become because the less connected we are to others and to ourselves.

It is okay to have high standards. It is okay to demand positive treatment from the people we love, who are supposed to love us too. It is okay to confront an issue and not have it sit under the surface and marinate and fester for the sake of immediate gratification, immediate comfort. It is okay to be honest with ourselves and with the people we engage with in relationship. And frankly, if anybody feels they can’t be honest in relationship, that relationship should be examined because there is a deeper issue at hand. .

YOU teach people how to treat YOU. You show people where your bar is, where your standard is, based on how you treat yourself and based on behavior you accept and you do not accept. This has been one of the most vital lessons in my adult life. That *I* am responsible for navigating my own treatment. That *I* am in control of this. And sometimes, yes, it means certain people as a whole are not going to be accepted into your life because some people as a whole will never treat you how you deserve to be treated. This is okay. This is healthy. This is growth. .

We are in control of our relationships. This is radical because it means we are not ever the victim. Ever. Things don’t ever happen TO us. We either allow them to happen or we do not. And we have to take accountability and ask ourselves, in moments of indiscretion, what actions we did to contribute to the problem. What have we shown our mirror? Every relationship is a mirror. What have we shown ourselves in our mirrors that has led to this indiscretion? Has it been insecurity? Has it been people-pleasing? Has it been codependency? Not communicating our needs?

We constantly have to refocus our attention back to ourselves and ask ourselves what part we played, what the situation is trying to teach us about ourselves. And the more we do this the more liberated we become, because the more authentic we are living, the less we are concealing, the more at peace we have inside and the more harmonious our relationships are because everyone is on the same page. Everyone knows where the bar is and everyone is meeting it because the ones that are not meeting it have no place in our lives. We cannot control other people, we can only control ourselves.

You teach people how to treat you. We often project- especially the empaths, the highly sensitive people- we project and think that everyone feels the way we feel, the depths of it, the magnitude of our empathy. This is not true. The majority of people do not and quite a generous quantity are more self-serving than not. Not everyone has high integrity. Not everyone has a pure heart. Not everyone has a golden moral compass. No. It is up to US to radiate that outward from ourselves, and if we have a high integrity and we demand that of other people, we speak up when there is indiscretion because if we don’t, nobody else is. Nobody is going to advocate for you. We stand up for ourselves, and the more we do this, the more we show people how to treat us, the more people meet us in that place, the more peace we have, and the more enriching, authentic relationships we engage in. .

We are so afraid of conflict, of pain, of things that don’t feel good immediately. Often times the richest fruit bares from the deepest pain and the hardest conflict. Yes, it is scary immediately, but you are fighting for yourself. What sweeter battle? Don’t ever be afraid to stand up for yourself. To raise that bar. To speak up when people are not meeting you there. Because the consequence of doing otherwise is you not being at peace. We must be at peace to be in our power, centered, focused, connected to to ourselves and to others. We must not fear pain or conflict or temporary suffering or looking at people and relationships as they truly are. Pulling off the veil of lies we have convinced ourselves of or the filter that we choose to see them through. We cannot be afraid of this. The more we live in truth, the more powerful we become. The more healed we become. The more alignment we achieve. The more we master ourselves. Stay in your truth. Stay in your integrity. Stay in your honesty. Live without fear, and never be afraid to teach other people who you are and how to treat you. 

This piece was originally featured in a July 1, 2019 post on Instagram at @themorganmay